The last few months I’ve opened up about some dark truths behind the glitter, the make up, the lighting, the stages, the competitions and revealed some of the parts of fitness that became dark, isolated and brutal for me.
You see I was striving instead of thriving. My fitness journey started as a beautiful breath of freedom from adversity and somewhere through that it became messy, complicated, contradictory and completely led me into an addict’s mindset. I went too far. I lost site of the real meaning of what fitness always had been for me.
✔️Yes I’m a recovering addict.
My husband and I sat across from a table with each other a few weeks back and I put it all together. I AM an addict. You see we share the addict’s mindset. He’s been sober for 22 years and even though the fuel of our addiction may be different the behavior is similar.
I am recovery from being... ✔️addicted to exercise 〰️punishing myself if I ate “too much” with hours of lifting, running, and cycling 〰️skipping social events because “ I should be in the gym” 〰️obsessing about when, where and how I was going to get my workouts in ✔️ addicted to food 〰️controlling it by orthorexia 〰️not eating it 〰️binge eating it 〰️purging it 〰️measuring it, weighing it, calculating it, OBSESSING over it 〰️Feeling controlled by it every second of the day
✔️addicted to physical fitness perfection 〰️feeling like my body was my only power 〰️feeling like I couldn’t do my job if I didn’t look the part ALL the time 〰️feeling afraid of a number above 126 pounds on the scale
✔️ You see the smaller, leaner and more muscular I got the more praise I received from the fitness industry and community. More trophies, more gigs more money, more clients etc. The cycle perpetuated my addiction and perpetuated a distorted view of what health and fitness truly is. Never mind that I was so unhealthy I was losing my hair, developed auto immune diseases, had no hormone function, no periods and had terrible insomnia. I LOOKED good and that’s what mattered right? Nope 🙅♀️
🙋♀️I’ve realized I cannot perpetuate the untruths in the industry it’s an epidemic. The only way its going to change is if more people tell the real unapologetic authentic truth. It’s time to shed light on the bullshit.
Extreme is not healthy.
Extreme leads to disaster.
Extreme is not maintainable.
Extreme for me was pure suffering that dimmed my light and prevented me from living my true passion which is using my gifts and talents to help people live their healthiest lives; not live their most fitness-perfect lives.